Thoughts on home

My Gran's mint brownies are the best thing to eat. I mean, you have to be moderate or they make you sick. But they're soooooooooo good.

Dividing time between my family and Ben's is hard. Especially since I have so many families...Gran, T, the Lovelys, Mom in town, Hannah in town. But we're figuring it out. And hanging out at Ben's family's house.

I wish it would snow again. It got warm on the lovely first day of winter, and all of the snow melted. I need some more snow, to make Christmas even happier.

BeeBoo got a Tigger that bounces on its own. She's between liking it a LOT, and being REALLY scared of it.

I had an epiphany....I realized that I have reached an age at which I no longer care about the presents. It was a good thing to realize. It made me happy to think of all of the things that make me love Christmas, and realize that none of them involved unwrapping things. Well, except watching BeeBoo unwrap them.

My two aunts, my sister and I all married younger men. (This is from the family of women...of Gran, Mom, T, Beanie, Hannah and me...that's four of six) That's somehow telling. What it tells, I've not come up with yet. Ideas?

I'm so glad to be home

It's so strange. Sometimes I feel like this home-loving behaviour is overly young for my age. But then I realize a couple of things.

1) I haven't had ready access to home in over eight years. So why on earth should I NOT take advantage of being so close?

2) My house in the valley is pretty much the coolest place ever. Now that we've gotten that 6-8 inches they promised in the forecast, we'll be taking BeeBoo to go sled, hike in the snow, see Gran and drink hot chocolate or cider at her house after we get all cold, stuff like that.

3) My family of aunts, uncles, cousins, and a couple of really crazy sisters just make me happy. They all made me who I am, and I'm glad of it.

4) I don't think that the "you can't go home" mentality is valid. I mean, we continually grow and change, and home changes when we're not there. But that doesn't mean that we have to be traumatized about change (even traumatic ones like my parents getting divorced and moving away, thus leaving the house occupied by people only marginally related to me even though Mom still owns it...long story....). Just go with it, learn from it, make it part of the file you can access to help other people be happy.

5) I can't think of 5. So there'll just be 4.

I love home. And I'm so glad that in conjunction with the trip is a vacation. I've needed one for a while now. Maybe that's one of the other positive associations that makes me loves home.

Oh, how I love my BeeBoo

When I leave for school in the morning, BeeBoo is usually playing with loads of toys and almost too busy to notice when I say "Give mamma kisses," grab my bag and say bye as I run out the door to catch the bus.

Today, I was busy shuffling outgrown baby clothes around and putting unorganized ones into empty diaper boxes. (Yes, anything to avoid the final papers...) I was really distracted, lots like BeeBoo is in the morning when I leave. So she comes up to me and says "kisses." I was surprised, because I usually have to swindle kisses out of her, and she hardly ever initiates them. So I gave her kisses, all excited because she loved me. Then she grabbed my bag, said "ba bye" and walked to the door.

She was reenacting our morning routine, but with roles reversed. Ben about died, and I thought it was totally hilarious. :-)

Here's a picture...

SNOW!

The first snow of the season has officially hit us. BeeBoo hasn't noticed yet. I'm wondering what will happen when she does.

The snow affects me in several ways.

1) I love the way the world looks when it's white. Being in the Midwest, it's that "stick to everything" snow that makes every tree branch look lacy. LOVE IT!

2) I don't want to do any work. I want to play in the snow. This is potentially problematic, seeing as how in the last three days I've not made any progress on either of my final papers that are due on Wednesday.

3) Drastic reduction in bus crowds, and class size. And I sure won't complain about that one.

4) I want to go home. It's more like Christmas now. Can't I just be done without all this giving finals and writing papers stuff??

I love the snow. It makes me happy.

2nd Pullman Book

Yes, I finished yet another children's novel. How go the final papers you ask? Not burning through them nearly as quickly as through the children's fiction.

So. My two critique approach was too time-consuming, so I'll just blurt it all out at once for this one. The second book ("The subtle knife") brings in a whole bunch of new philosophical questions. One of the most interesting is the worth of human experience/having a body. One of the witches (I like them...if I were in that world, I'd want to be one; they only have girl witches) at one point in the novel breaks off some "cloud pine" from the branch she's using to fly and notices the beauty of being able to crush and smell it, and notes that angels, who have no bodies, must really be missing out on things like smelling pine and feeling cold. Coming from a girl that used to run rampant and barefoot through pine and deciduous woods in the backyard, I could sympathize with the thought. Thought it was interesting coming from someone who doesn't share an LDS interpretation of mortal experience. That said, if all you think there is, is this life, chances are good you're going to take notice of little things a bit more.

The female circumcision thing I mentioned in the last post was a passing reference. (Also brought out by one of the witches) I still don't know how appropriate even the reference is, though. It's a heavy issue for adults, let alone pre-pubescent kids.

My favorite character died in this book. Sad day on that one. However, he paints a great picture about how being a parent has less to do with genetics than with love. I liked him.

Same general literary notes, with one addition about framework. Part of the current "controversy" about the movie and books lies in the fact that Pullman at one point said "My books are about killing God," but now that the movies are coming out has changed his tune to one of "it's entertainment...I didn't write it as a sermon" kind of thing. (The first one is an actual quote, the second is more a paraphrase) Interestingly enough, however, at least up to this point the books are based on the rhetoric (good v. evil) and construction of reality (the Fall must be bad, not part of the plan, and Eve brought sin into the world...that one's a whole different post) purported by the Catholic church. A shaman character points out that on one side is the part of existence that wants humans to know things, progress, and enjoy human experience; the other side wants humility and submission. That's a very medieval Catholic (note I didn't say "medieval, Catholic"...the Catholic church has changed A LOT since when they burned people for reading/researching/asking questions) dichotomy. By buying into that construction, the author lends it credibility/power. As of the end of book 2, the world is lining up for another battle between rebel angels and "The Authority" (God), and all involved parties on both sides. The "bad guys" want to prevent another Fall, while the "good guys" say it's necessary. Why redo history within the existing framework? Why not create a new one?

Of course, my perception of this comes from my firm belief that "secular" learning and "religious" learning complement each other, and my LDS perception of the Fall as part of the plan. So I want him to write books that work THAT way.

But, having read this book, if I were Catholic I don't think I'd want my kids to read it. There's too much open association of Catholicism with oppression and limitation, and even torture, which I (even not being Catholic) don't think is a fair appraisal of the situation. There are people who say that Pullman is more anti-establishment in general. The problem is that the only "establishment" he's painted so far is the Church and it's extensions. So. I'm not going to check the next book out of the library until my papers are done. :-)

Zayas

I love Maria de Zayas. Reading her novelas amorosas doesn't exactly make me happy (lots of them are about women whose husbands beat them or leave them or worse), but her premise does. At least some of the women get away. And that makes me happy.

One of the guys in the class said that Zayas bores him. Sad, sad day. Even if you don't like Zayas, I don't see how she's more boring than any other Golden Age literature...

Hooray for women who write...and women's space. :-)

"Golden Compass" update

So, I finished the first book in the "controversial" series that I've been ranted at and ranted about.

I'll give a breakdown as a normal reader, and then as a literature student (because they're really different interpretations).

Normal person critique:
The plot was incredibly engaging (the sit down and read for three hours straight, grip the chair arm kind of interest). The writing is really tightly structured, and unlike some fantasy authors (ie, Robert Jordan), characters mentioned at an early point in the book show up again soon enough to be useful (the mystery of a little boy who disappeared in one of the early chapters was resolved within enough time that the reader remembers who he was and when the author mentioned him....also very un-Jordan-esque, and good for that reason). This new world is incredibly imaginative, sharing enough characteristics with ours to be understandable, but new enough to be fascinating. The protagonist is approachable and likeable. She's a little girl with (at least apparently) no parents who has been left at a university in care of the professors (but they're called "Scholars") there. How that happened comes to light at the end, and is plausible. My first thought was "yeah, professors taking care of an orphan girl just because....riiiiiiight." She teaches kids that the ideas of children can be big ideas, and that kids can empower themselves or limit themselves based on correct or inappropriate choices. Really good. She teaches kids to think. One problematic characterization is that she's a liar. That's one of the main adjectives they describe her with throughout the book. She usually only lies to people who are out to get her, though. So who knows on that one. In terms of the crisis over religion, I can see where Catholics would be REALLY upset over this book. The fictional Magisterium is reigned over by the "Vatican council." And they're the bad guys. Close enough to home to cause some problems there, I'd think. However, from an LDS perspective, there are some interesting potential differences in interpretation. This girl is a pre-teen. When she figures out that the people claiming to do good through religion are really doing bad things, she questions it. Reminiscent of anyone we know and love? I think so. Just some things to keep in mind.

Literature student critique: Amazingly precise prose, wonderful vocabulary with potential to enrich the language capabilities of students. Conveys exact meanings through wonderful word choice. A bildungsroman, similar in some ways to the Harry Potter story and very much in the pattern of the "hero of a thousand faces" defined by Joseph Campbell (a little girl that will save the world, but doesn't know it, in fact can't know it or all is lost...etc). The idea of daemons (a sort of external expression of the soul) was REALLY interesting to me at the beginning. I think, though, that at least some critics would link them to sexuality or even sex itself. That's the interpretation that I'm attaching to them at this stage. In this light, the fact that the Church tries to separate children from their daemons is disturbing. If the author's intent is to preach that all Christianity (or organized religion) would eliminate sexuality given the chance, I'll have issues with him. Even more problematic is a scene in which Lyra (the little girl protagonist) is struggling to get away from a group of "scientists" and they seize her daemon (forbidden in the world of the story through protocol, forbidden in literature because of the implications of rape) and render her incapable of fighting. If a child were to make the association (which I doubt most would, but some could) between that action and rape or molestation, that scene would be particularly disturbing. The dichotomy of rejection of the mother and idealization of the father by Lyra is highly reminiscent of Freudian thought (I spit in disgust at his name...right AL? :-) The last ten pages or so are FULL of sexual imagery. Again, most kids won't get it. They'll see an avalanche as an avalanche, the daemons of two adults interacting as similar to previous "establishing authority" interactions shown in the text, etc. But some kids might get it. So. Give it to older teens, not to ten-year-olds.

So. That's it. There'll be more. Especially given the fact that in the first twenty pages of the second novel (which I started last night), they take up the issue of female circumcision...a little dense for kids' fiction, don't we think??

Wasting time...ain't it great?

I just wasted a full five minutes doing googlefights between the potential presidential candidates. It was fun.

Most satisfying-ly, Mitt Romney lost them all. :-) Unfortunately, Hillary Clinton did rather well. :-(

I HATE Freud

That's basically the post.

I have to do a presentation on an article tomorrow that I think is total bunk. Why is it that despite Freud's having been discredited in the circle he worked in, literary critics feel the need to pay him homage by applying his analysis to literature?

Sometimes a dark room is just a scary dark room to make you think of witches. Entering it doesn't HAVE to represent sexual penetration of the female body!

Ok. Rant done.

Grateful

So it almost doesn't feel like Thanksgiving because we spent the whole day driving. (I don't know that my right leg will be not asleep anytime soon)

But, I would be remiss in not recognizing at least some of my blessings.

First, I'm glad that I have a healthy, vivacious, verbal, incredible little baby girl to make me happy and call me Mamma. She makes life so much better...

Second, I'm glad to have friends that listen to me and give me good advice. Like advisers that help me through more than just a thesis and costume sewing, friends who help me through more than just Theory classes and new schools, a husband who helps me with more than housework.

Third, I'm amazed at having grown up in an environment that is safe but not spineless with women who made me stand up for myself because I saw them do it. It makes me happy. My home out in the middle of the woods let me run wild when I needed to, and build things, and get my hands dirty. Seeing people who are deprived of the safe but steady environment (who end up with problems with honesty or communication) or of the nature (who end up sick and restrained to the indoors) makes me really grateful that I had the opportunities that I did, really through no merit of my own.

Fourth, I'm really glad for women who came before me that made it possible for me to be a university student. My aunt sent me a quote from Susan B. Anthony...something about wishing she could be around for the next hundred years to see what women were doing. I don't know if all of what has happened would please her, but I like to think that a lot of it would. Sort of along those lines, I'm glad for funding that makes it free (and then some) for me to keep going. WAHOO for teaching! And for me being able to be in school still.

Fifth, my life has been really blessed through the Church...going on a mission, teaching little kids, meeting great women that I can form friendships with, meeting great men who do their best to raise their families.

Sixth, the ability to help other people. I like being able to do small thing that help people know that they're loved.

Thanks to all the people who gave me this life that I have. And Ben and BeeBoo for being with me in it. I really love this life.

Home again, home again, jiggity jig

We were in Ohio on Tuesday and Wednesday....went shopping with my little sis (which was really hilarious and awesome). I found an AWESOME dress. I'll try to post a picture of it later. And it was cheap enough to fit in my budget (which means it was really cheap). I'm excited because I get to wear it to a wedding tomorrow.

AL and I have had good talks. I REALLY like getting to spend time with her. And I'm glad she loves me enough to forgive me for a spider in her salad. We've spent LOTS of time making cookies and eating them...lots and lots of cookies.

And NOW we're in Nauvoo! Which I love. Ben and I got married here, and it's nice to be back. Lots of memories. Good ones. Which I need in light of the events of the past of few months.

And on Saturday, we get to go to the Lovely house. HOORAY! And see everyone. And they get to see BeeBoo. Which is even more lovely. :-)

Censorship/uninformed literary criticism

It seems that I keep needing to rant about these books. The thing is, I've never even read them.

Weird, huh?

My in-laws keep tossing about emails about whether or not the movie based on the book released in the United States under the title "The Golden Compass" is a pernicious movie or not. (I just said pernicious...heehee) This would not be problematic to me, as I see no problem with evaluating the media that you choose to bring into your home to make sure that it's in line with what you want to teach your children.

However, at least two of these family members have offered the opinion that the series in all likelihood (This is a quote from the email I just read) "persuadeth men to do evil, and believe not in Christ, and deny him, and serve not God," and because it does those things, it's of the devil. My problem with this lies in the fact that neither of the two, including this person who sent the scriptural quote, has read the books. If she had, I wouldn't be nearly as up in arms about the fact that she held strong views against them. I just have trouble with people who condemn literature (or film, which I think the argument can be made is a literary genre) without having read it. Like the folks who are convinced that Harry Potter will teach your children to worship Satan and sell him their souls. (That must be why I like them so much....we all know I'm one of Satan's little rebellious minions)

So. I guess this rant is really about not returning to upholding the mentality that led to the Inquisition's list of banned books (Did you know Lazarillo was on that list for a while? I only recently learned this....) or anything like it. Freedom of information is very much worth READING the books before you try to convince people that they're "of the devil."

Okay. I'm done. Until the next chapter of this rant. Once I read the books, I'll offer an opinion.

The story of my life

It's sad when you find descriptions of yourself in internet comics. I think it's particularly funny that the comics that describe me are so different from each other.

Here's one about grad school. My students. To the letter. And this is how I want to respond...

As to the other half of my ridiculous personality, this description is a little old but still sometimes applicable. And I don't think that this one will ever cease to apply to how I feel on days when I have two classes and teach (ie, Mondays...bleach)

Journeys

So, Journeys is a shoe store. I like the shoes they sell. I ordered some from online.

DON'T EVER DO IT.

It's been the biggest waste of my life. After going through a mess of repeated calls because they sent me the wrong shoes, I'm going to have to go do what I asked them three weeks ago if I should do (but they told me "Oh no, we'll fix it")....go to the store and special order them in person.

Their customer service department doesn't have access to the same system the stores do to order. So the store can get them, but customer service can't. And, the shoes that they re-credited my account for because they're "unavailable" are STILL LISTED ON THE STUPID SITE!

Why can't people do their jobs? I mean, if I show up for class unprepared and my supervisor catches me at it, I get fired. SO WHY DON'T THEY REPLACE THESE INEPT PEOPLE WITH COMPETENT ONES?!?!?

K. Rant done.

Medieval lit rocks my socks

So, have you ever tried to compare an aspect of three different works in an essay that couldn't be longer than 3 pages? Give me a 20 page research project ANY day. I mean, this was a great exercise and I'm pretty proud of the product I've created, but it's WAY easier to be verbose than precisely concise.

I really love my medieval lit class. Change of specialty, anyone? Nah. Love Golden Age WAY too much, and I don't know anything about medieval theater. Well, not much anyway. I want to be like my professor when I grow up. She can tell you off the top of her head pretty much any information you could need relating to her areas of study...I mean publication dates of articles and stuff. It's pretty insane.

Still in the weird funk mentioned below, but coming out of it as a result of dedicating actual time to producing something worthwhile and interesting for my class.

Amusing BeeBoo

You find funny things when you try to amuse an 18 month old.

This is awesome.

And I've never seen anything like this guy.

Some recent thoughts

So, the more I think about things in the last little while, the more I don't want to keep up this crazy existence of mine. I'm considering getting rid of the school part of it, since that's the most disposable. (Hard to get rid of Ben, harder still to think about life with no BeeBoo...who now says three word sentences, by the way...or at least one three word sentence)

The thing is that I don't know why. I'm really liking my program, and have learned a lot. The work load is good...not too much, not boring. I like teaching (though the caliber of students here is an entirely different animal from BYU...I don't know why I ever got nervous about teaching there) and have grown a lot in this environment.

In short, it's great!

I just want to quit, move to a house in the country, and have vegetable and flower gardens and chickens and rabbits. And maybe let Ben hunt deer. Probably not. But he'd feel cool.

Anyway. I'll probably not ever be gutsy enough to just pick up and do it...I'll just have to finish the PhD and then have fun...

More Chaplin

Watched "The Kid" last night when I was supposed to be reviewing a play. :-)

I liked it. I noticed that the Chaplin films that he directed are much better than the ones that feature him but were directed by other people.

I was disturbed by several parts of the movie (like when they put the kid in the wagon and haul him away) but liked others (Chaplin's tramp figuring out fatherhood).

Good movies.

Don't interfere *Caution, rant follows

I had done so well...weeks I think, with no ranting! Oh well, it was bound to happen.

Long story short, I've managed to make people mad at me again. As the result of a forward sent by one of my in-laws, a family pseudo-debate on Ben's side was happening through emails about a movie that's coming out. It's based on a series of books by a British author. I've never read the books and until the email forwarded to me about it, had never heard of the movie. So I don't have a specific opinion on either.

One family member belittled another for sending the forward when they had no personal experience with the books. He said something to the effect of "don't pass forwards on unless they're worthwile," which I think is a valid point, but he sent it to ALL the recipients of the original message. So I emailed him back (just him, not all the recipients of the forward) and defended the sender of the forward, saying that there's nothing wrong with making people aware of potential controversies.

I later sent on (to all the recipients) some comments from the author's website (do "find: religion) to try and smooth things over. The family member who I DEFENDED emailed me back and said "who cares? It's fiction!"

I just don't get it. My whole purpose was to try and say "look, it's literature and therefore powerful. Thanks for making us aware of the potential threat so that we can check it out before we expose our kids to it. Of course, there is the possibility that the threat is a fabrication by religious zealots (ie Harry Potter), and so we should keep the other side in mind."

Lesson learned: don't try to discuss ANYTHING. Just ignore the pink elephant in the living room. Even trying to fix things will just make things worse.

Gold Rush

I recently watched a film version of Charlie Chaplin's life. It was a good movie, and got me interested in silent-era films. Last night we watched the Gold Rush. Ben opted for the re-release version with Charlie Chaplin doing descriptive narration. His voice is really cool, but I'd like to watch the silent version.

The dinner-roll dance was my favorite. It shows up again in "Benny and Joon"...Johnny Depp mimics it. It's pretty great, but I must point out that there's not much better in terms of amazing acting than Charlie Chaplin.

So. Watch the movie...it's fun to see the context of the rest of the Chaplin movie. Heck, watch them both. Benny and Joon is a good one.

Drinking from a fire hose

I started my new medieval class (it's a "second 8 weeks" class, the equivalent of a block class there in zoobie land)....it was AWESOME.

I've never felt like I had a good knowledge of the surrounding history of the literature I study. I think that's going to be remedied, at least for this time period. I left class totally drained, with so many ideas bouncing around in my head that I couldn't think straight. But it was a good overwhelmed, not an "I'm so lost I'm going to die" overwhelmed. It made me miss certain professors that we all know and love.

Other than that, just life as it runs....busy, planning schedules for next semester...pretty boring really.

Today will be a good day

So, I got up at 3 am to finish an assignment for my methods class. It seems that no matter what I do, I always get an A- . . . on every assignment. I know, big deal. It's just frustrating because it seems like some sort of personal thing. For the last two assignments, she's written "Muy bien!" across the top, not marked anything, and given me a 92. Oh well. Life goes on. At least it's just methods, and I can chalk it up to the fact that it's not my field.


We went home AGAIN this weekend. My little Marine brother was home on leave for 15 days before he goes to Japan (I'm glad that's where he's ending up), so we needed to go see him.
We stayed with my aunt and her fam...she's got two daughters, both of whom I LOVE to death. The younger one was really excited to have BeeBoo at her house. It was great.

I got to eat the pizza and doughnuts from local shops that I always crave. Both in one weekend! Can't beat that! The pizza was my dad's treat, then my cousin and I went to get the sweets. Yummy!

I saw my paternal grandparents...the last time that happened BeeBoo was 3 months old. So it was good to see them. They were very impressed with her BeeBoo cuteness. I was glad. This is the same grandma that takes your picture off the wall if she's mad at you....hopefully that won't be an issue for BeeBoo. :-)

Ummmm...My mommy's coming today! CAN'T wait for that. Haven't seen her in forever, either seems like.

So today will be a good day.

"Reedeet"

So, BeeBoo has manifested more "I'm doomed to be like my mother" tendencies.

She's been combining two words into VERY simple sentences for about a week (maybe 2? They're all the same to me...time is extremely non-linear to me), saying things like "Dada car" and "More ___."

However. Her most frequently repeated sentence is "Read it!", which she says with a book held up to whichever obliging parent seems most available to read book after magazine after boardbook.

I LOVE it. I'm very glad that she likes books. And I can't say that it's because we've been such wonderful parents that we read to her in a consistent pattern designed and intended to foster literacy. Like we're that cool. HA! We do read with her, but it's usually just whenever we happen upon the time for it. So sometimes story time is before bed, sometimes after breakfast, sometimes in the middle of the afternoon.

We have tried to have books that she can get at though...the lower two shelves on our bookcase are strictly BeeBoo based. She can take whatever she likes from them, and put whatever she wants (well, almost) onto them.

So anyway. She now says "READ IT!" And it makes me happy.

hee hee

I enjoy the intro to this

Hence BeeBoo not being named Allie or some such nonsense.

I love Saturdays

So this morning we slept in. I didn't hear BeeBoo until about 8:30, and I got to stay peacefully lounging until about 9.

Then we went to the farmer's market in town. I bought all colors of peppers, some eggplant, tomatoes, onions and fresh green beans. OH! And little tiny cucumbers that happen to be one of my favorite memories from a garden when I was little.

Then we went to the orchard that's about 12 miles from our house. They have all different kinds of apples. This trip I decided on Empire apples (which I had never previously heard of) and Winesaps (which are my all-time favorite apples...they're REALLY tart, I love them more than chocolate and warm socks in the winter). And we bought cider to take to put in the freezer until we can take it home for Thanksgiving. (Which wonderful meal at the Lovely house is just the best thing EVER --- AL aren't you excited?)

So, I'm happy. I love being able to have a day with no time-committed schedule. I do have things to do, but they can be done rather randomly. I'm also really glad to be back in the Midwest. Love the fall-ish trees!

Too much

Too much to do, too much. I have an hour to put together a PowerPoint for class at 1:25, a presentation for methods, do Monday's reading, so that I can have the weekend to work on my paper for lit that's due on Friday.

So what do I do? I blog.

Typical.

On the upside, it's Friday. I have survived yet another week!

Ranting...again

"You're a student...you have TONS of free time"

This is the comment from a certain brother-in-law who will remain nameless. The basis?? When he was in graduate school, he had free time. Never mind that he was single. Never mind that he's ALSO A MAN!

I tried discussing this calmly with my husband, but since it turned in to a rant, here I am.

So, a couple of things.

1) When a man says to a woman, married or otherwise, who tries to keep up a household and take care of one or more little ones "You have tons of free time," my only conclusion is that he's never seen what it takes to keep up with cleaning, cooking, laundry, errands, bathing kids, dressing kids, feeding kids, changing kids, reading to kids, getting kids to nap, getting kids to talk, getting kids to walk, taking kids to the park, trying to do some ALONE activity to save your sanity, etc etc.

The problem is worse when this comment comes from a married man. He must not have any idea what his wife goes through every day, or if he does he obviously doesn't appreciate it. The "free time" statement indicates that he appraises her work as "All you do is stay home. You have tons of free time."

2) When a man says this to a married woman who is also a teacher and a graduate student, it's a good way to make her want to land him a swift kick in the head. (Or other, more painful parts)

Even if he had free time in grad school, even if he doesn't think that a wife's job is time consuming (and therefore important), he seems to think that the job he has is time consuming (and therefore important)...so when you pile the grad school and the wife/mom thing ON TOP OF THE JOB, why on EARTH would you think it's a good idea to say "This grad student/wife/mom/teacher must have tons of free time."

I think that we have a tendency to extrapolate our experience on to the experience of other people (I'm doing it here by being mad that he didn't understand my experience, so I guess I'm not much better). Since he had free time, I must have, never mind that my life is completely different and that society has an entirely distinct set of expectations for me.

Ah. It's out of my system. I wonder what you all will think of this story?

While I walk, I wonder

Walking around campus is really the only time in my life that I'm actually alone. So I think while I walk. It's nice to think (even if it's only for 10 minute segments or so) about something not school related, or not teaching related. So, I've been analyzing the events of the past week, and mainly being grateful that things can get better.

I've also wondered if they're actually better, or just seem better. My husband and I are really good at the nuts-and-bolts, surviving our insane schedules part of life.

One thing especially has made me really feel reassured, though. This statement is probably going to sound strange at first. But I promise, it really makes sense. I was reminded today of how wonderful it is to have the capability of leaving. Were it not for my steady, self-supportable income, I could worry that I was only staying in this relationship for the sake of being taken care of. But I'm NOT! Because I could leave, given the motivation/desire. I can exist on my own.

Which means that I must actually still love him! Which is wonderful. Really and truly (I've noticed myself using that phrase a lot lately...) if it weren't for the "This is still worth it, you're still worth it" factor, there wouldn't be much reason for me to go through this agony. So at least there's some good in it.

Life goes on, things get a bit better.

*&%$^@ office hours!

So, below you will find the possibilities for typical scenarios that represent my office hours.

1) I sit. And wait. And lesson plan. Because no one comes. EVER!

2) The day before the test, students come and say "What's going to be on the test?"

3) The day after the test, students come and say "I'm here so you can teach me Spanish."

The third one bugs me the most. I spend three hours a week doing that, and you can't be bothered! So why should I be bothered when you can't even articulate a specific question? I mean, it's not as though I can transmit my years of Spanish acquisition to you, in one fluid movement and complete session, in ONE HOUR!!!!

(deep breath, moment to collect myself)

I like the first scenario the best. It's the most typical and is thus routine...routines work well in my life. I'm good with them. Hopefully my upcoming office hours session will be a day that I can lesson plan to my heart's content, and not have to be forced to actually DO anything. :-)

Home for the weekend

There is little better in life than a bonfire on a cool-enough warm fall day, eating really good homemade Midwest food, with family all around.

I love babies! We've got twins around, and BeeBoo, and are celebrating an upcoming wedding. Really and truly, there is always good in life, with the bad.

Bee boo

So, beside the negative, I need to acknowledge the biggest positive of my life at the moment. I have a darling little baby girl. She is, in fact, the cutest baby ever. And she's just started to walk. When I feel totally alone , there's still some sunshine!

We call her BeeBoo. I'll probably refer to her as this in future posts, for the sake of not putting her name out onto the internet.

One of my biggest goals in life is for her to not make the mistakes her mother made. I want her to go into marriage better prepared than I was. I want her to sit her husband down and say "Tell me the truth" and then ask hard questions. (I don't think I did that well enough) Of course, like the previous post says, dishonesty breaks hearts. But I want her to know that she has a RIGHT to ASK it.

I also want her to know everything there is to know. There's so much out there that I don't know...it seems like the further I get into grad school, the more I realize that I'll never be able to keep up. Maybe if I start her young, she'll have a head start.

And she calls me mamma. There is infinite power in that word.