"You're a student...you have TONS of free time"
This is the comment from a certain brother-in-law who will remain nameless. The basis?? When he was in graduate school, he had free time. Never mind that he was single. Never mind that he's ALSO A MAN!
I tried discussing this calmly with my husband, but since it turned in to a rant, here I am.
So, a couple of things.
1) When a man says to a woman, married or otherwise, who tries to keep up a household and take care of one or more little ones "You have tons of free time," my only conclusion is that he's never seen what it takes to keep up with cleaning, cooking, laundry, errands, bathing kids, dressing kids, feeding kids, changing kids, reading to kids, getting kids to nap, getting kids to talk, getting kids to walk, taking kids to the park, trying to do some ALONE activity to save your sanity, etc etc.
The problem is worse when this comment comes from a married man. He must not have any idea what his wife goes through every day, or if he does he obviously doesn't appreciate it. The "free time" statement indicates that he appraises her work as "All you do is stay home. You have tons of free time."
2) When a man says this to a married woman who is also a teacher and a graduate student, it's a good way to make her want to land him a swift kick in the head. (Or other, more painful parts)
Even if he had free time in grad school, even if he doesn't think that a wife's job is time consuming (and therefore important), he seems to think that the job he has is time consuming (and therefore important)...so when you pile the grad school and the wife/mom thing ON TOP OF THE JOB, why on EARTH would you think it's a good idea to say "This grad student/wife/mom/teacher must have tons of free time."
I think that we have a tendency to extrapolate our experience on to the experience of other people (I'm doing it here by being mad that he didn't understand my experience, so I guess I'm not much better). Since he had free time, I must have, never mind that my life is completely different and that society has an entirely distinct set of expectations for me.
Ah. It's out of my system. I wonder what you all will think of this story?
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5 comments:
heck, it's hard enough to manage my schoolwork and mental health and to keep the apartment nice enough to live in, let alone teaching and adjusting to a new school and town and taking care of a child and dealing with in-laws... don't worry em, i'll never say that you have too much free time. though i do imagine that you manage to create a little free time, and i give you all the credit for that. you're pretty much amazing.
I hate it when people assume that women who choose to go to school or to work are doing it "just for fun" or because they have lots of free time. I also hate it when people assume that women who do not work have lots of free time while home with their children. Although I will admit that now that Sophie is in preschool four hours a day I do get a lot more reading done than I used to. My house isn't very clean though ;o
You guys make me happy. I've noticed that none of the guys I've send this link to ever comment on my rants. Maybe they figure it's just safer that way. :-)
I'm not even a mom and I can't handle all of my responsibilities. In fact, I got a $50 fine from the home owners' assoc. because I didn't mow the lawn right. I have no idea how you do it!
OMG! I'm not even a mom and I couldn't agree with you more. Society sure does see things differently...
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