Walking around campus is really the only time in my life that I'm actually alone. So I think while I walk. It's nice to think (even if it's only for 10 minute segments or so) about something not school related, or not teaching related. So, I've been analyzing the events of the past week, and mainly being grateful that things can get better.
I've also wondered if they're actually better, or just seem better. My husband and I are really good at the nuts-and-bolts, surviving our insane schedules part of life.
One thing especially has made me really feel reassured, though. This statement is probably going to sound strange at first. But I promise, it really makes sense. I was reminded today of how wonderful it is to have the capability of leaving. Were it not for my steady, self-supportable income, I could worry that I was only staying in this relationship for the sake of being taken care of. But I'm NOT! Because I could leave, given the motivation/desire. I can exist on my own.
Which means that I must actually still love him! Which is wonderful. Really and truly (I've noticed myself using that phrase a lot lately...) if it weren't for the "This is still worth it, you're still worth it" factor, there wouldn't be much reason for me to go through this agony. So at least there's some good in it.
Life goes on, things get a bit better.
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I have found that having my own life reminds me that my marriage is also a choice that I make. It's a lot easier to live with your life when you are a willing participant in it. If you ever have time and want to talk about things, shoot me an email :)
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