How about you.....you......you? You can come too.....too.....too. We're going to the zoo!
Actually, the kids and I already went to the zoo today, so you won't be able to come. Sorry. Maybe next time.
True testament of what a terrible mother I am, we have no pictures to prove it. I'm not one of those moms who photographs their child's every move (or even every milestone). Maybe I should feel guilty about that (or at least more guilty than I do....enough to make me take more pictures).
Anyway.
This last year I've fought off feelings of dissatisfaction that my life didn't unfold the way I intended when it came to adding the next baby to our family. In my ideal world, I'd have a 6-week-old right now. And I don't. Not only that, but I'm not even pregnant.....the only time in the last two years I thought I might have been, I was quickly and unexpectedly proved wrong....and then ran a half marathon the next day out of spite. I guess sometimes even despite our own best-laid plans and efforts, life just doesn't work how we want it to.
When that happens I do my best to reassure myself with the typical LDS rhetoric about how Heavenly Father knows better and must have a plan. And then I invariably degenerate into frustration that God's will = suffering, which doesn't match what I think I know of God.....and I just try to shut it off. Better that than get seethingly mad, right?
Anyway.
Today was a moment that I could truly appreciate that my life (at least for now) didn't go the way I wanted, and I don't have a nursing infant right now.
Friday's a work-free day for me in the summer, so we slept in late this morning, the kids and I got ourselves together finally at about 10, and we trucked off to the zoo. The kids each have a mini-mule Camelbak backpack. They wore their hats, carried their backpacks with their lunch and water, and didn't complain. Walked on their own feet with only an occasional hand-hold or on-my-shoulders-for-up-a-hill for J. No strollers, no diapers, no snacks I had to be in charge of. And we stayed at the zoo for very nearly 6 hours. They both had specific things they wanted to see, didn't whine when exhibits they wanted to see were closed (baby red river hogs, of all things), made amusing comments that were understandable not only to me but to passersby, and when we got ice cream as a huge splurge treat (who buys ice cream when it has at-the-zoo prices?!?! Never me) they ate it without making any mess. Not a big mess, any mess at all.
It was amazing. And fun. And remarkably easy. I felt like I was in some sort of alternate universe from my normal one.
And though I'm still sad that I don't have the baby I want, I did get to have a moment of "life is so much easier with this plan than it would have been with mine."
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
That sounds wonderful! I am sorry that things have not worked out the way you've planned, though. That can be exceptionally frustrating.
I'm so glad you had such a great time at the zoo. Bean went to the zoo today for the first time, and I was super bummed that I had to stay home and write instead of going with him. Ah, well.
I have to say, I was very angry and bitter for a long time about our baby situation. Why on earth would God let me lose a baby? Why couldn't I get pregnant? Why did my brother get to have one? Why couldn't anyone understand my pain?
When our little one finally did make his appearance, it turns out that the timing was infinitely better, and all the waiting, praying, and crying made me appreciate him even more.
I don't mean to say that not having things work out the way we want isn't frustrating and sometimes even devastating, but in my case, at least, all that pain made the sweet even sweeter. I'm sure something wonderful is in store for you. Love you.
Post a Comment