I'm happy in my work, with my kids, with Ben....we've been doing good and fun things as a family and as a couple (we're going backpacking again next week, I'm SO excited), the house is great, and I'm working on another chapter draft for the dissertation (hooray for progress!). My life, by all accounts, should be really good!
So why is it that the more I read and research to try to come to terms with the things about the church that hurt me, the more I find that's discouraging and drives me further into a state of conviction that women in the church will always be put on a pedestal in an amor cortés kind of way without being actually appreciated for their worth as individuals, as human beings?
Before you go and say "stop reading anti-Mormon websites!" I assure you, I haven't been. I've been reading blogs maintained by active LDS members in all their misguided misogyny, books published by the church, and General Conference talks, along with my personal scripture study.
Yeah. It's that good. I can't help but feel manipulated by the Father I'm praying to so that I can find reasons to stay. Maybe I need to do more or my non-praying (since President Hinckley said it's not okay to ACTUALLY pray to her) running self-talk to Heavenly Mother? Anyway. I'm not angry, I don't want to LEAVE the church. It's just feeling more and more like staying is driving the depression that I'm running miles upon miles to undo.
In the course of the last week I've had three (main) experiences (there have been other small ones) that have driven this more painfully home.
First: if I didn't actually fulfill my callings I might be better off. I wasn't able to attend the leadership training a few weeks ago, and I finally guilted myself into reading it, since my calling was one of the ones that merited attendance. I found Boyd K. Packer's statements about how men value their wives because their wives get them into heaven and bear their children. Oh, and that the cause of MOST worth to women is when they're wives and mothers. Even though I'm both those things, I feel like the work I do at becoming Christ-like, imperfect though it may be, is the most important thing I'm doing. I'm glad that I have my kids, and they help in that journey toward godliness....but they're not all of it. Or even the most important part of it (dare I say it?!?! WHERE does the fear that I feel when I type that come from?!?!).
Second: in reading the "Women of Faith" book that my very wonderful and thoughtful mother-in-law gifted to me, my polygamy issues have been exacerbated. She gave me the book because many of the women in it died with strong testimonies of polygamy as a "true principle." She thought it would help me with my issues....and it IS an incredibly interesting book. The problem is that many of them were married off VERY young (and lest we think that it was normal at the time, back then there was a strong social taboo against marrying girls pre-menarche [at least there was some reason in the world!] and the age of onset for that then was older than what it is now....average marriage ages varied from 17-23 depending on what part of the country you were in), and then in their diaries they talk of feeling neglected and unloved, but ultimately coming to realize that "love isn't a sentiment that has any place in polygamy". My only reaction to that is, WHAT ON EARTH (yeah, that's not what I'm saying in my head)? How is the desire to be loved and valued in your marriage something that you need to overcome to be humble?
Third: in searching Conference talks to find more information on the officially-tolerated roles for women in the church, I found this gem by Richard G. Scott. Please, oh please, you men, teach women that they have value! Without you they'll just be "blind sheep" that wear immodest clothes! Punish them by not marrying them! (I'm sure that they'll be totally brought to heel by that threat, since a woman's value, as stated by dear Brother Packer, lies in their marriageability) Tell them that when they dress immodestly, it's THEIR FAULT that you get aroused!
Geesh.
These three experiences culminated in the point where Ben came home to find me curled up on our bed sobbing, in running clothes waiting to escape into the woods the moment he could take the kids, while the kids blissfully amused themselves building a train. This is not the first time that I was happy that they keep themselves busy and don't notice what I'm up to. I asked "What is WRONG with me? I don't know what's the matter with me!" And as I said it, I realized that I DO know what's wrong. I feel wrong because I can not accept that the attitudes toward women manifest in those three pieces of reading come from God. But to answer my recommend questions truthfully and "right" I have to accept that when prophets speak, they speak for God.
That creates some pretty dense dissonance to wade through.
I'm doing my best. We'll see what happens.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
Here is my over-simplistic suggestion to a very complicated problem: When I get overwhelmed and depressed about the state of the world and humanity (which is often) and start to feel like if I, as an educated and passionate adult can't figure out who to vote for (let alone how to fix things like the AIDs epidemic and genocide), I have to focus smaller and closer to home. I find some comfort in the thought that I can raise children that are kind to other human beings and improve the lives of a just a few others. When I start to look at my city, state, country as a whole, it gets far too depressing.
So, that may be something that never gets resolved. The church as a whole may always be further back on its understanding of womanhood than you'd feel comfortable with. But if your children understand womanhood then hopefully their children will too, and soon your family will be a larger nucleus of near-perfection than just you trying to stem the tide alone.
Like I said at the beginning, I know that's over-simplified. I by no means am attempting to downplay the reality of how you feel and the struggle you're going through. I have just felt a similar depression about other issues, and while the idea I presented doesn't being me resolution, it does calm me enough that I can get to sleep (rather than stewing all night).
I like this approach.
One of the smaller things that's contributing to my struggle is that I used to be able to do the "Hey, he's just speaking as himself, not as an apostle" thing.
I recently re-read Prs. Benson's 14 Fundamentals talk, and in it he says that GAs don't have to say "thus saith the Lord" to be speaking for God. So that set me back to trying to find a reason for the conflict between what I know about God and what I'm hearing.
Anyway. Thanks for the comment!
So, remember when the children of Israel had to wander in the wilderness for 40 years so all the old people could die off and a new, righteous generation could inherit the promised land? I think that sort of thing still happens. It's like Randy Bott's horrific statement on blacks and the priesthood, which the church vehemently protested. I've always thought they had to wait not because of anything they did, but to protect them from the horrific racism of the members. When the older generation dies off, then the new generation is ready for more truth and a higher law, and things can move forward. Maybe it would help to think of yourself as simply ahead of the curve. When the older generation moves on, then so will we. Love you.
No question, plygamy is complicated and was implemented imperfectly at best. I don't pretend to understand that one fully at all.
I did find interesting your frustration with Richard G. Scott. Are you sure you aren't looking for things that already fit your existing frustrations here?
It's hard to imagine a more respectful, loyal person than Elder Scott, especially to his late wife--both while she was alive and also in her memory. Can you really imagine him exercising "unrighteous dominion?"
Did you miss this part:
"As a husband, consistently tell your wife how much you love her. It will bring her great happiness. As a son, tell your mother how you love her. It will give her great joy. Let us be grateful to our Father in Heaven for His precious daughters. Let us help them as much as we can. Then let us encourage every woman who questions her value to turn to her Heavenly Father and His glorified Son for a supernal confirmation of her immense individual worth."
Do you not want to be told you're loved? Not want a spiritual confirmation of your infinite worth?
Oddly, I found myself frustrated for the opposite reason-- We hear all about how good women are, "Sactity of Womanhood" and "Women are Incredible" but nothing about men being decent.
It seems the GAs can't win--if they criticise women, (which I can't remember ever) they lose. If they praise women, they lose--they're told women shouldn't NEED that praise.
GAs make plenty of mistakes in their remarks--Joseph Fielding Smith famously said man would never make it to the moon, for example.
But, in general remarks that are backed up by lots of scriptures and supported by many other GAs are unlikely to be very far off of the truth.
Yup, I was blindsided by Elder Scott's comments because he's one of my favorites. I love that he hasn't remarried - ie, eternal polygamy is not for him. Or his wife.
But that horizon of expectations only makes his comments all the more jarring because they conflict with it.
The over-praising of women that happens in the church is, in my estimation, a lame attempt to compensate for the lack of real value given to the work women do. And to cover for the blatant inequalities.
I would be completely fine with more praising of men and some calling of women to repentance - provided they were for things that matched doctrine and not culture (ie, praise men for being capable fathers, call women to repentance for obsessing over a picture-perfect Mormon family regardless of what's going on behind the scenes - or similar things).
Post a Comment