and again, and again.
I'm feeling misfit-y again. I never know how to explain this.
Right know, at this phase in my life, I basically only know two things when it comes to the Gospel.
1) My testimony is no longer the black-and-white, "everything I hear at Church is good and strengthening, and my leaders always want what's best for me" testimony that I remember having at some point. (I can't even pinpoint when I used to believe this)
2) I still HAVE a testimony of some sort, I know the Church is true. But I don't really have a good nutshell testimony to share, and I certainly don't know what my future testimony is going to look like.
Feeling this way has me struggling, feeling insecure and in limbo. I don't know where to go from here, mostly because I don't know what needs to change.
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some of the truest advice my mother ever gave me was that your testimony is always changing. She didn't mean always growing. She meant there are times in your life when you'll have a strong testimony and times when your testimony will waver. And it is okay. And she was speaking from experience. And in my experience, she is right.
Don't feel too misfit-y b/c John and I are right there with you. We know it's where the Lord wants us and feel like it's the right thing for our family to bring us the most happiness. And I could never give up the idea of being with my Johnny for forever--I LOVE celestial marriage! I think most of our issues come down to culture. Most of the things that shake us are more Mormon culture mingled with doctrine rather than straight up doctrine. And sometimes, our doctrine is going to change too; it has in the past (i.e. priesthood extended to all worthy members, church's attitude toward non-heterosexuals--not that it's accepted but talks in the 70's, etc were very very harsh--, church's attitude toward mental illness--therapy/medication are accepted as great ways to deal with it & it's not just cured with prayer and scripture study alone). Anyway, what I'm saying is that we get how you're feeling, maybe not exactly but, it's not always easy to be a liberal feminist (which I would say describes both John and I) in the Mormon church.
Hi Em,
For what it's worth, I have a testimony in some very real, very personal things about the gospel. These are things I've prayed over and have felt to be true. I can think back on my experiences with these things and recall why I believe in them. This doesn't mean, however, that I have a full, complete testimony of every gospel principle. I'm still working on that. What it does mean is that God answers prayers and that I am able to exercise enough faith to believe those answers. That is really all that I wanted to say.
This was me about a year ago. I think that a rock solid/I know everything is true/there are no doubts kind of testimony comes and goes. I also think that it would be silly to soak up everything we hear at church without some sort of filter or grain of salt (or a salt lick, in some cases). Can you imagine if we believed all the basura that's been said about women, for example? Anyways, I just think that it's okay to find your own way, and that it's okay to feel like we're walking in the dark sometimes. Sorry that I've just rambled a bunch of incoherent stuff.
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