We're going to the zoo.....zoo.....zoo.....

How about you.....you......you?  You can come too.....too.....too.  We're going to the zoo!

Actually, the kids and I already went to the zoo today, so you won't be able to come.  Sorry.  Maybe next time.

True testament of what a terrible mother I am, we have no pictures to prove it.  I'm not one of those moms who photographs their child's every move (or even every milestone).  Maybe I should feel guilty about that (or at least more guilty than I do....enough to make me take more pictures).

Anyway.

This last year I've fought off feelings of dissatisfaction that my life didn't unfold the way I intended when it came to adding the next baby to our family.  In my ideal world, I'd have a 6-week-old right now.  And I don't.  Not only that, but I'm not even pregnant.....the only time in the last two years I thought I might have been, I was quickly and unexpectedly proved wrong....and then ran a half marathon the next day out of spite.  I guess sometimes even despite our own best-laid plans and efforts, life just doesn't work how we want it to.

When that happens I do my best to reassure myself with the typical LDS rhetoric about how Heavenly Father knows better and must have a plan.  And then I invariably degenerate into frustration that God's will = suffering, which doesn't match what I think I know of God.....and I just try to shut it off.  Better that than get seethingly mad, right?

Anyway.

Today was a moment that I could truly appreciate that my life (at least for now) didn't go the way I wanted, and I don't have a nursing infant right now.

Friday's a work-free day for me in the summer, so we slept in late this morning, the kids and I got ourselves together finally at about 10, and we trucked off to the zoo.  The kids each have a mini-mule Camelbak backpack.  They wore their hats, carried their backpacks with their lunch and water, and didn't complain.  Walked on their own feet with only an occasional hand-hold or on-my-shoulders-for-up-a-hill for J.  No strollers, no diapers, no snacks I had to be in charge of.  And we stayed at the zoo for very nearly 6 hours.  They both had specific things they wanted to see, didn't whine when exhibits they wanted to see were closed (baby red river hogs, of all things), made amusing comments that were understandable not only to me but to passersby, and when we got ice cream as a huge splurge treat (who buys ice cream when it has at-the-zoo prices?!?!  Never me) they ate it without making any mess.  Not a big mess, any mess at all.

It was amazing.  And fun.  And remarkably easy.  I felt like I was in some sort of alternate universe from my normal one.

And though I'm still sad that I don't have the baby I want, I did get to have a moment of "life is so much easier with this plan than it would have been with mine."

Strawberries

Every year we pick strawberries that I then freeze or process into jam.  Someday I'd love to have a strawberry patch - it's definitely on the "dreaming about it" list for the mini-farm someday.  And we have enough plants that my kids snack on an ever-bearing variety most of the summer.  But for now we have to go elsewhere for real quantity (and quality, in all honesty).

This year we had to find a new place because the drive to Indiana just seemed a bit much, even though we really liked the farm we used to go to when we lived there.

So I found a new place, and we picked 23 pounds of strawberries this morning.  Well, Ben and Bee and I picked, J mostly wandered and said "Daddy, wee-ewww hold me fah why-dull?"

Now, price-wise I'm sure we're no better off than what we'd be buying them from the supermarket.  It's either an even match or just a tiny bit cheaper, which the gas to make the drive will offset.

But there are things that make it worth it:

1) They are TINY, very red berries that are all sweetness and no genetically-altered white puffiness in their inside flesh.

2) They use no pesticides or organophosphates on their plants - which means I'm not stockpiling chemicals into my kids' systems.

3) We did some hard work with our own two hands.  NEVER a bad thing.



4) My children observed things like "This is a hard job!  I think I want to be an animal doctor instead so I don't have to be in the sun all day!" and "I'm glad there are people who work picking berries so I don't have to pick my own every day!  They work hard."

All in all, a worthwhile, yummy, and fun morning.

Paying it forward

Were it not for the confidence, wisdom, and encouragement of a phenomenal woman who has profoundly influenced my life, I never would have applied for a PhD program. 

After all, it wasn't something that was on the checklist I was taught from Sunbeams on....you know, the "get baptized, get my YW recognition award, go on a mission (but only if I wasn't married!), go to the temple to get married, have babies and be happy forever" list.  That one.  The "I've completed the checklist, now I get to be righteous!" list.

I started my MA program simply because Ben wasn't done with school yet and I needed something to do.  And then my worldview totally shifted.  And I started to think that maybe I could do something other than the "checklist" approach with the rest of my life.

My dear mentor and friend (you know who you are!!) encouraged me to believe I could do it.  Not just to go through the motions, but to recognize the qualities in myself that made me fit for academic work.  She still reminds me of it sometimes, on my bad days.  And I'm really thankful to her for that.

Today I got a voicemail message from a young woman who's finishing college and considering a graduate program.  My memories of her are of a really cute hairbow-wearing 6-year-old, the much younger sister of my younger sister's friend.  The message was something along the lines of "My mom said I should call you because you've done the graduate school process and might have advice for me."

I hope that I didn't overwhelm her!  :-)

I just spent over an hour talking to her.....it's funny how you find a kindred spirit in someone you never expected to.  I heard myself asking questions about her plans and what she's done so far, then saying things that have been said to me, words of encouragement and validation.  She's obviously done her homework and is very serious about making sure that she's following the path that God has for her....and that is what makes me so sure that she's going to be just fine.

It felt good to pay the favor forward, and especially good to help her feel confident and capable.  Especially when she said that growing up in the Church had kept her from seeing the grad school path as an option. 

I've been there, and felt that dichotomy.  Fortunately for me, I recognized its falsity.  It was good to be able to discuss it and re-affirm my knowledge that you can manage both; I would hate for her to feel like she had to choose between the two.