As I was running the last of my four miles today, I scared some deer up out of the meadow next to the trail.
They bounded off so effortlessly (or at least it looked effortless), their backs arching beautifully into the jump. They hardly made a sound when they landed, and they crossed as much distance in one leap as I did in 15 strides.
I thought to myself "Now THAT is running. I, on the other hand, am trudging."
And I felt like that's my life (lately mostly at church)....I watch other people spring off and on through their endeavors like it's the easiest thing, and finish it beautifully. I still finish, but not nearly so gracefully, naturally, or painlessly.
Ah well. Maybe trudging works for me.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Monday, March 12, 2012
Okay, I did it
I registered for a 50K. April 28th is the day.
I'm gonna do it! Like for real.
I don't know if I'm more scared or excited.
Time to up the miles again....10-mile weekend runs will not cut it for this.
I'm gonna do it! Like for real.
I don't know if I'm more scared or excited.
Time to up the miles again....10-mile weekend runs will not cut it for this.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Oh dearie dear
I'm happy in my work, with my kids, with Ben....we've been doing good and fun things as a family and as a couple (we're going backpacking again next week, I'm SO excited), the house is great, and I'm working on another chapter draft for the dissertation (hooray for progress!). My life, by all accounts, should be really good!
So why is it that the more I read and research to try to come to terms with the things about the church that hurt me, the more I find that's discouraging and drives me further into a state of conviction that women in the church will always be put on a pedestal in an amor cortés kind of way without being actually appreciated for their worth as individuals, as human beings?
Before you go and say "stop reading anti-Mormon websites!" I assure you, I haven't been. I've been reading blogs maintained by active LDS members in all their misguided misogyny, books published by the church, and General Conference talks, along with my personal scripture study.
Yeah. It's that good. I can't help but feel manipulated by the Father I'm praying to so that I can find reasons to stay. Maybe I need to do more or my non-praying (since President Hinckley said it's not okay to ACTUALLY pray to her) running self-talk to Heavenly Mother? Anyway. I'm not angry, I don't want to LEAVE the church. It's just feeling more and more like staying is driving the depression that I'm running miles upon miles to undo.
In the course of the last week I've had three (main) experiences (there have been other small ones) that have driven this more painfully home.
First: if I didn't actually fulfill my callings I might be better off. I wasn't able to attend the leadership training a few weeks ago, and I finally guilted myself into reading it, since my calling was one of the ones that merited attendance. I found Boyd K. Packer's statements about how men value their wives because their wives get them into heaven and bear their children. Oh, and that the cause of MOST worth to women is when they're wives and mothers. Even though I'm both those things, I feel like the work I do at becoming Christ-like, imperfect though it may be, is the most important thing I'm doing. I'm glad that I have my kids, and they help in that journey toward godliness....but they're not all of it. Or even the most important part of it (dare I say it?!?! WHERE does the fear that I feel when I type that come from?!?!).
Second: in reading the "Women of Faith" book that my very wonderful and thoughtful mother-in-law gifted to me, my polygamy issues have been exacerbated. She gave me the book because many of the women in it died with strong testimonies of polygamy as a "true principle." She thought it would help me with my issues....and it IS an incredibly interesting book. The problem is that many of them were married off VERY young (and lest we think that it was normal at the time, back then there was a strong social taboo against marrying girls pre-menarche [at least there was some reason in the world!] and the age of onset for that then was older than what it is now....average marriage ages varied from 17-23 depending on what part of the country you were in), and then in their diaries they talk of feeling neglected and unloved, but ultimately coming to realize that "love isn't a sentiment that has any place in polygamy". My only reaction to that is, WHAT ON EARTH (yeah, that's not what I'm saying in my head)? How is the desire to be loved and valued in your marriage something that you need to overcome to be humble?
Third: in searching Conference talks to find more information on the officially-tolerated roles for women in the church, I found this gem by Richard G. Scott. Please, oh please, you men, teach women that they have value! Without you they'll just be "blind sheep" that wear immodest clothes! Punish them by not marrying them! (I'm sure that they'll be totally brought to heel by that threat, since a woman's value, as stated by dear Brother Packer, lies in their marriageability) Tell them that when they dress immodestly, it's THEIR FAULT that you get aroused!
Geesh.
These three experiences culminated in the point where Ben came home to find me curled up on our bed sobbing, in running clothes waiting to escape into the woods the moment he could take the kids, while the kids blissfully amused themselves building a train. This is not the first time that I was happy that they keep themselves busy and don't notice what I'm up to. I asked "What is WRONG with me? I don't know what's the matter with me!" And as I said it, I realized that I DO know what's wrong. I feel wrong because I can not accept that the attitudes toward women manifest in those three pieces of reading come from God. But to answer my recommend questions truthfully and "right" I have to accept that when prophets speak, they speak for God.
That creates some pretty dense dissonance to wade through.
I'm doing my best. We'll see what happens.
So why is it that the more I read and research to try to come to terms with the things about the church that hurt me, the more I find that's discouraging and drives me further into a state of conviction that women in the church will always be put on a pedestal in an amor cortés kind of way without being actually appreciated for their worth as individuals, as human beings?
Before you go and say "stop reading anti-Mormon websites!" I assure you, I haven't been. I've been reading blogs maintained by active LDS members in all their misguided misogyny, books published by the church, and General Conference talks, along with my personal scripture study.
Yeah. It's that good. I can't help but feel manipulated by the Father I'm praying to so that I can find reasons to stay. Maybe I need to do more or my non-praying (since President Hinckley said it's not okay to ACTUALLY pray to her) running self-talk to Heavenly Mother? Anyway. I'm not angry, I don't want to LEAVE the church. It's just feeling more and more like staying is driving the depression that I'm running miles upon miles to undo.
In the course of the last week I've had three (main) experiences (there have been other small ones) that have driven this more painfully home.
First: if I didn't actually fulfill my callings I might be better off. I wasn't able to attend the leadership training a few weeks ago, and I finally guilted myself into reading it, since my calling was one of the ones that merited attendance. I found Boyd K. Packer's statements about how men value their wives because their wives get them into heaven and bear their children. Oh, and that the cause of MOST worth to women is when they're wives and mothers. Even though I'm both those things, I feel like the work I do at becoming Christ-like, imperfect though it may be, is the most important thing I'm doing. I'm glad that I have my kids, and they help in that journey toward godliness....but they're not all of it. Or even the most important part of it (dare I say it?!?! WHERE does the fear that I feel when I type that come from?!?!).
Second: in reading the "Women of Faith" book that my very wonderful and thoughtful mother-in-law gifted to me, my polygamy issues have been exacerbated. She gave me the book because many of the women in it died with strong testimonies of polygamy as a "true principle." She thought it would help me with my issues....and it IS an incredibly interesting book. The problem is that many of them were married off VERY young (and lest we think that it was normal at the time, back then there was a strong social taboo against marrying girls pre-menarche [at least there was some reason in the world!] and the age of onset for that then was older than what it is now....average marriage ages varied from 17-23 depending on what part of the country you were in), and then in their diaries they talk of feeling neglected and unloved, but ultimately coming to realize that "love isn't a sentiment that has any place in polygamy". My only reaction to that is, WHAT ON EARTH (yeah, that's not what I'm saying in my head)? How is the desire to be loved and valued in your marriage something that you need to overcome to be humble?
Third: in searching Conference talks to find more information on the officially-tolerated roles for women in the church, I found this gem by Richard G. Scott. Please, oh please, you men, teach women that they have value! Without you they'll just be "blind sheep" that wear immodest clothes! Punish them by not marrying them! (I'm sure that they'll be totally brought to heel by that threat, since a woman's value, as stated by dear Brother Packer, lies in their marriageability) Tell them that when they dress immodestly, it's THEIR FAULT that you get aroused!
Geesh.
These three experiences culminated in the point where Ben came home to find me curled up on our bed sobbing, in running clothes waiting to escape into the woods the moment he could take the kids, while the kids blissfully amused themselves building a train. This is not the first time that I was happy that they keep themselves busy and don't notice what I'm up to. I asked "What is WRONG with me? I don't know what's the matter with me!" And as I said it, I realized that I DO know what's wrong. I feel wrong because I can not accept that the attitudes toward women manifest in those three pieces of reading come from God. But to answer my recommend questions truthfully and "right" I have to accept that when prophets speak, they speak for God.
That creates some pretty dense dissonance to wade through.
I'm doing my best. We'll see what happens.
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