and again, and again.
I'm feeling misfit-y again. I never know how to explain this.
Right know, at this phase in my life, I basically only know two things when it comes to the Gospel.
1) My testimony is no longer the black-and-white, "everything I hear at Church is good and strengthening, and my leaders always want what's best for me" testimony that I remember having at some point. (I can't even pinpoint when I used to believe this)
2) I still HAVE a testimony of some sort, I know the Church is true. But I don't really have a good nutshell testimony to share, and I certainly don't know what my future testimony is going to look like.
Feeling this way has me struggling, feeling insecure and in limbo. I don't know where to go from here, mostly because I don't know what needs to change.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Thursday, May 5, 2011
A job, a job, I finally got a job!
I've been on pins and needles since January, wondering if my decision to leave an in-hand teaching position to follow Ben's job was a good one. Generally speaking, I'd have to say yes....the house is wonderful, and I'm so glad to be done renting I can't even put words on the idea, the kids love being close to family, the step up job-wise has made Ben much happier, getting the dog has made us all happy. We had just sort of stagnated, and it was nice to move on.
And yet there's the "Mommy needs sanity too" issue. Being at home all day every day with the kids and the puppy, as fun as it is and as creative as it lets the kids be with projects etc, and as much as I love making curtains, baking bread, and planting gardens (veggie and flowers!), gets tiresome. Especially with no car...so when I say "at home," I really mean it. I've finally decided to just accept that I need to get out and teach. It's like running, I'm just a much better person when I do it consistently.
So when I found out that the Spanish department at the nearby university that I've been hoping against hope I could teach for, does want to hire me after all, things got all rosy all of a sudden. Bee will be in school in the fall, and they have a pre-school program for J that doesn't have set pick-up and drop-off times, so I can leave him for as short a time as possible. And I'll get to teach 300-level classes....I guess that PhD thing was a good idea after all. Hooray!
Add to that the financial flexibility of another income, and, well, it's just great.
I'm really glad that I have a job that allows me to still be present in my kids' lives, and that my working makes it easier for their father to take an active role as well. When I was little, my Dad used to work extra shifts like a crazy person to make ends meet, which we all appreciated, but I HATED when the phone rang in the middle of the night, knowing that he was off to a prison riot or other dangerous thing, just so that Mom could stay home with us....by the time he was earning enough to not need to do that, we were all grown up enough that we were involved in other things, and we didn't have a lot of time to spend with him. That makes me sad sometimes. Without me working, Ben would probably be in a similar position, taking side work and other things. Since I can teach, he gets to be around while the kids are young enough to be excited and influenced by it. Which makes me happy.
I'm also really grateful to have a husband who's ACTUALLY supportive instead of just VERBALLY supportive. (I've said this before, and I'll probably say it again until I'm blue in the face) I still do all the nicey-nice things an LDS girl is "supposed" to (whoever decides what the "supposed" to actually is), and get my intellectual freedom at the same time. I'm glad I don't have to get a job at Walmart so that we can keep our house. I'd much rather a 10-hour teaching commitment than a 20- or 30- hour work week with no benefits, working in the middle of the night so that I'll be a cranky, awful mom.
I feel like this is a huge blessing, and I'm really glad that Heavenly Father heard Bee's "And please let Mommy get to go teach again" prayer.
And yet there's the "Mommy needs sanity too" issue. Being at home all day every day with the kids and the puppy, as fun as it is and as creative as it lets the kids be with projects etc, and as much as I love making curtains, baking bread, and planting gardens (veggie and flowers!), gets tiresome. Especially with no car...so when I say "at home," I really mean it. I've finally decided to just accept that I need to get out and teach. It's like running, I'm just a much better person when I do it consistently.
So when I found out that the Spanish department at the nearby university that I've been hoping against hope I could teach for, does want to hire me after all, things got all rosy all of a sudden. Bee will be in school in the fall, and they have a pre-school program for J that doesn't have set pick-up and drop-off times, so I can leave him for as short a time as possible. And I'll get to teach 300-level classes....I guess that PhD thing was a good idea after all. Hooray!
Add to that the financial flexibility of another income, and, well, it's just great.
I'm really glad that I have a job that allows me to still be present in my kids' lives, and that my working makes it easier for their father to take an active role as well. When I was little, my Dad used to work extra shifts like a crazy person to make ends meet, which we all appreciated, but I HATED when the phone rang in the middle of the night, knowing that he was off to a prison riot or other dangerous thing, just so that Mom could stay home with us....by the time he was earning enough to not need to do that, we were all grown up enough that we were involved in other things, and we didn't have a lot of time to spend with him. That makes me sad sometimes. Without me working, Ben would probably be in a similar position, taking side work and other things. Since I can teach, he gets to be around while the kids are young enough to be excited and influenced by it. Which makes me happy.
I'm also really grateful to have a husband who's ACTUALLY supportive instead of just VERBALLY supportive. (I've said this before, and I'll probably say it again until I'm blue in the face) I still do all the nicey-nice things an LDS girl is "supposed" to (whoever decides what the "supposed" to actually is), and get my intellectual freedom at the same time. I'm glad I don't have to get a job at Walmart so that we can keep our house. I'd much rather a 10-hour teaching commitment than a 20- or 30- hour work week with no benefits, working in the middle of the night so that I'll be a cranky, awful mom.
I feel like this is a huge blessing, and I'm really glad that Heavenly Father heard Bee's "And please let Mommy get to go teach again" prayer.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Perspective
So, we've had rain in Ohio. A lot. Record-breaking averages for three months straight. And I don't remember the last day without some.
This has caused my sump pump to run continuously, me to open up the lift station pit so more water can drain, and us to buy a small pump to sit next to the furnace pumping water off the floor and into the lift station pit, so that hopefully it won't get high enough to hurt the furnace. Being as we've only been in our house for two months, I've been more than a little cranky about that, especially when I'm using our giant floor squeegie to push water around toward the various exit points.
Then the tornadoes hit Alabama. My friend Kim and her family are there while her husband is in graduate school. I love them dearly, and my first thought when I read that things were bad in Tuscaloosa was to be very concerned for them. I worried and worried until I managed to find out that they were (physically at least) okay. Then I started to worry about them, in my "I want to fix it but am MILES away and there is nothing I can do" worrier way. And the voice in my head that was complaining about my basement shut up.
Some friends of Kim's have set up a site where you can contribute donations to help Josh and Kim. I know that things are tight money-wise for most of my friends and family, but anything that you can spare would be appreciated. I don't think I can even really imagine how I'd be feeling with my little ones in the same situation.
Kim posted their story of what happened.
This has caused my sump pump to run continuously, me to open up the lift station pit so more water can drain, and us to buy a small pump to sit next to the furnace pumping water off the floor and into the lift station pit, so that hopefully it won't get high enough to hurt the furnace. Being as we've only been in our house for two months, I've been more than a little cranky about that, especially when I'm using our giant floor squeegie to push water around toward the various exit points.
Then the tornadoes hit Alabama. My friend Kim and her family are there while her husband is in graduate school. I love them dearly, and my first thought when I read that things were bad in Tuscaloosa was to be very concerned for them. I worried and worried until I managed to find out that they were (physically at least) okay. Then I started to worry about them, in my "I want to fix it but am MILES away and there is nothing I can do" worrier way. And the voice in my head that was complaining about my basement shut up.
Some friends of Kim's have set up a site where you can contribute donations to help Josh and Kim. I know that things are tight money-wise for most of my friends and family, but anything that you can spare would be appreciated. I don't think I can even really imagine how I'd be feeling with my little ones in the same situation.
Kim posted their story of what happened.
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