Today's playgroup discussion has me tying my brain in knots trying to understand why people don't see the double standard they ascribe to.
I mentioned Ben's dissatisfaction with seeing less of his kids because of a shift (albeit only by 30 minutes) in his work schedule. The other women fell all over themselves to assure me that "it's not quantity time, it's quality time....it's what he's doing with it!" and that he shouldn't be concerned about missing out. I brought up how much he enjoyed spending so much of Bee's early life at home (at least some of the time) and J's, and how we're both a little sad for future children that it won't be the same. Again, the reassurances that it just doesn't matter, that he'll feel the same toward them all and that they'll all feel the same toward him.
Later in the conversation someone asked me about what I'm planning to do next baby-go-round. I half considered saying "Oh, we're done. Two's plenty!" even though it isn't true for us.....just for the shock factor. Instead, I talked about how I'm wondering what life will look like....this will be the first time I've had a job and a newborn, rather than being in classes with a newborn. And I honestly don't know what it will look like. Everyone rushed to reassure me that I'd be able to scale back my work schedule or sacrifice my job entirely in the interests of being a good mother.
Why, oh why, is it that no one sees the ridiculousness of this contrast? Is it that men are such inherently better parents that they need less time to be just as good at it, and get the same results that women do after spending hours upon uninterrupted hours with their children? Is it that only mothers are capable of providing quality childcare? Is it that fathers are so inept that we shouldn't risk a child's care on them? Is it that working a two-day-a-week schedule will make it impossible for me to be an adequate mother?
I don't think it's any of those. I think that looking at how foolish all of those reasons are, just reassures me that it will be just fine for me to work.....if Ben can work and still be a good Dad, I can work and still be a good Mom. Unless by working he's a failure at parenting, in which case I guess our poor kids are just SOL.
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I don't know, Em. Maybe Ben's better with the kids than Steve, but I would seriously worry if he ever had to care for them full time while I worked. He really just doesn't seem to "get" their needs sometimes, often ignores them for longer than I'm comfortable with (though it probably doesn't hurt them), and doesn't think ahead in terms of preparing them for future needs. NOT that I have a problem with him watching them anytime he's home and NOT that I think you're a bad mom for working 2 days a week or even 5. I'm just saying that I think women are probably better full-time caregivers than men.
What's funny is my initial inclination is to comment on how lucky you are to have a husband that is dissatisfied with seeing less of his kids. Kind of sad that something like that is extraordinary.
But yes it is maddening to see how people seem to want their cake (being a good female parent requires spending all day with your kids precluding paid work) and want to eat it as well (being a good male parent is something you can successfully do in the small amount of time left over after a full-time job).
My husband recently returned to full-time employment after several years of part-time work in order to equally share parenting duties. He really misses the kids and gets no empathy. People say things like, "Aren't you glad you finally found a full-time job?"
Perhaps people you talk to believe the scriptures and the Proclamation on the Family, and are trying to do what they believe is right.
There's nothing wrong with that, either.
I really wish I could spend more time with my kids and my wife--would LOVE a part-time job. When I'm home, I try to focus my time with them and their needs. Sometimes my wife wishes she could trade me places--she would probably also do well with a part-time job.
But, we'd have no benefits, no retirement, no medical insurance, and our combined pay would drop significantly. If we both worked full-time, our kids would get far less attention.
Probably I'm naturally more inclined to be sensitive, compassionate, to think ahead about their needs than she is. So we work together a lot.
But someone has to pay the bills, and the kids need some real, full-time attention as well. We've decided to have faith and follow God's direction on this.
The challenge is that record unemployment for men, a decline in men's real wages and a dramatic increase in women's employment and wages, makes it much harder for a male wage-earner to support his family than it was 30 years ago.
And historically, fathers rarely provided all the income for the family--the wife and children were major providers for the household.
In historical agrarian societies women contributed in major ways to "provide" for the family. Sewing all clothes and bedding, preparing home-made food from scratch, making soap, candles, etc., was a major boost to the sustainability of the household. But--she was also modeling work for the kids, and including them in the process in a very important way.
What is the modern-day equivalent? Perhaps part-time employment outside the home or even a home-based full-time business that involves the kids?
"Perhaps people you talk to believe the scriptures and the Proclamation on the Family, and are trying to do what they believe is right."
And I, as a working woman, obviously don't, is that it? Lovely.
"But someone has to pay the bills, and the kids need some real, full-time attention as well. We've decided to have faith and follow God's direction on this. "
And I, as a working woman, am obviously not, is that it? Lovely.
"In historical agrarian societies women contributed in major ways to "provide" for the family. Sewing all clothes and bedding, preparing home-made food from scratch, making soap, candles, etc., was a major boost to the sustainability of the household. But--she was also modeling work for the kids, and including them in the process in a very important way. "
Yes, they did. And now women have been deprived entirely of cultural production. Which is why many of them seek rewarding outside employment. If I were home sewing, cooking, canning, and caring for a garden and small flock of chickens, I'd probably feel like a contributor. As it is, sitting on my hands in my obsessively organized and clean house, while my kids are in school IS NOT FOLLOWING GOD'S DIRECTIONS FOR ME.
No matter how much you and men of your ilk may try to convince me that it is.
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