Secondary infertility

I didn't even know this was a thing.  Apparently it is, though.  For the last year or two, most of my energy has been devoted to considering why it is that Ben and I were able to conceive with relative ease when we had Bee and J, but have had such difficulty adding baby number three.

I've devoted a lot of my considerable research skills (if I may so flatter myself) to learning about the topic.  And I've come up with this incredibly useful conclusion:  there are about a million possible combinations of factors, and we don't have anything close to the amount of money it will take to figure out what it is.  We'll do some initial things, and maybe we'll get lucky.

But I'm facing up against the possibility that we may not have any more children, regardless of what I want.  It's a sad thought.  I'm working through it, not to mention fighting the muddled feelings that surge up when I interact with a number of babies and small children in my life who either lack parents entirely or have incapable, negligent, or selfish ones who don't meet the needs of the children in question.

There's no easy answer, and for a woman who grew up in a church that wraps so much of a woman's worth into her child-bearing potential, this is something of a crisis.  But like everything else, Ben and I are slogging through it.  We'll see where we land.

Can it be?

Some days, life is just too very good to seem true.

Fibers and old books

Reasons why I feel like a nerdy old lady today:

A colleague/mentor today loaned me a book that's out of print and not at my library, saving me the inter-library loan wait.  It's full of photos of theater renovations in Spain of old corrales, original beams and everything.  I reacted the way many (most?) women would to jewelery or a romantic trip someplace....giggly and excited about the prospect of using/enjoying it when I got home.

I found a place that does natural alpaca fiber, spins it and dyes it themselves and everything.  AND THEY'RE LOCAL.  AND OWNED BY A WOMAN!!



So pretty soon I'm gonna scan me some photos and crochet me some super-soft, hippy fingerless gloves, or maybe a baby hat.

As a somewhat somber side note,  I need a baby of my own to crochet for, but apparently God's not feeling generous with babies lately, at least ones for me.  Which makes me more than a little sad.  Oh well, at least I have work to keep me busy.